I was never understood.
Everybody misunderstood me. There was no place in this world for my feelings. My pain was felt by no one. My voice fell on deaf ears. When I looked around I found no one. There was not a single shoulder to cry, not a single hand to hold and not a single soul to share.
It was me and myself. I was even fed up with myself. There was a part of my body that was literally bored with me. My body and soul too were bored with each other. My heart and mind never got along well. They rarely spoke. I always found them on the opposite sides.
I started hating myself. The reason was unknown. But I hated myself for one damn reason.
I was too nice for this world. I had a neutral personality. I was neither bad nor good. I was stuck in between.
I wanted to enjoy life. I want to see myself as a badass fucking asshole who smoked, took drugs and sipped bottles and had sex every night with wild whores.
But a part of me always restricted this urge. The good guy and bad guy game overtook my mind. Everybody wanted me to be a good guy. The world too had similar expectations with me.
And, the bottom line is my mother was too proud of this innocent soul. She wanted to brag about this at every other party or family gathering.
All this shit killed my own self. Now, I don’t know who the hell I’m. When I look back I’m confused. I still couldn’t figure what went wrong. How a highly spirited, happy go lucky and ambitious soul like me was reduced to a dull and boring fool. It feels I’m alive but dead.
That’s a big statement. Rather it’s a huge one. Alive but dead. Alive for the sake of living. Living in fear. Not enjoying or experiencing but just breathing and counting before my body relieves my soul. A shy soul and introverted body. Yes, I’m now an introvert. A guy who is deeply in love with the isolation world. A world of crazy ideas, dreams and thoughts. The world where me and my weird thoughts reside. Mutually. Happily. Lovingly.
A world of imagination where I get lost in space. The next second I’m walking on the moon. And in a few seconds, I’m flying like a bird and I take no time to travel to a different planet where I hang out with aliens.
But, I’m happy and content with my new world. In this world, everything happens according to me. No one hurts me here. My thoughts don’t play hide and seek with me instead they hold my hand. They love me and I love them back. There is only love and no hate. Hate only for the outside world. A world I don’t belong to.
Lately, I started developing a never-ending hate for a world. A world, crowded and busy. Full of shitty faces & ugly souls. I feel uneasy when I’m in the middle of them. I’m surrounded by a strong fear whenever I enter any party or a gathering. I’m unable to deal with my own people. I have lost confidence to shake hands. I shiver while I look straight into the eyes of people. I couldn’t handle the pressure anymore. The pressure of explaining my life. The pressure of explaining my failures. I’m a failure and my own people remind me of this again and again.
They are putting me down every time I come face to face with them. They are some kind of jealous or something or they want to take some kind of revenge of previous life. As if they are enemies. Enemies of me. My mental peace. And, my happiness. And when they initiate a conversation I disappear. Disappear in the world of my thoughts. I come back only when the world reminds me or my thoughts drag me or the winds pull me. I appear once again only to disappear.
Because in a crowd I disappear.