Why do I consider myself a failure?
Because I’m 32 years old now. I don’t have a job. My bank balance pisses me off. I’m not married. Never had a girlfriend. I’m left with no friends. I’ve incurred huge losses whenever I invested my hard-earned money. I don’t have the will to invest again. Neither do I have the strength to be employed again. I desired to be somewhere else but ended up somewhere else. I’m there where I was 10 years ago. And I really don’t know where I should go from here on. I’m left with only hope and ideas. Success eludes me always. Failures hugs me every now and then.
Yes, I’m a failure. The most consistent failure.
Nothing is working for me. I tried every damn thing but failed miserably.
And I owe my failure to my desire to do something different. Something different but big. Small numbers never excited me. Small achievements or success weren’t worthy in front of my big desires. That big thing was more about money, fame & popularity and less about happiness, satisfaction, or fulfillment.
There was something in me that won’t allow me to settle for less.
I came from a humble background but with big dreams. I craved for the impossible. From a very early on I was fascinated by the lifestyle of rich and popular people. I wanted to experience the lifestyle of rich people.
A life, where I live in those luxurious homes, drove expensive cars, wear stylish clothes. Throwing those lavish parties and being the center of attraction. I wanted to impress people. I craved fame. I wanted to get noticed. There was a desire to be in the media as well. I wanted to grace the front pages of popular newspapers and gossip magazines.
I was an attention seeker. I wanted people to discuss me in my absence and shower praises and get impressed in my presence. I wanted people to be smitten upon my arrival at any party or event.
This is where I screwed up. This is the life I desired all my life.
Such desires created more problems for me. I wasn’t happy with whatever I did. The reason I’m still struggling. My friends have moved on in life. They are married, having babies, earning money, enjoying every bit of their life. And here I’m clapping after seeing people succeed. There is no progress. I’m still there: where I was 10 years ago.
For me, money was the most important thing. Happiness was secondary.
The desire of doing something big never allowed me to be content. It never allowed me to celebrate small successes. It deprived me of happiness. It painted a picture in my mind where I saw myself in a black dapper suit, driving a black Mercedes, and having a gorgeous lady on my left. This is how it fooled me all the years.
I only had this thing in my mind: I had to make it big. Failing to realize that to make big I have to take small steps first.
I had no plan, no goals, no path, just one thing: To make it big.
The desire of making it big proved costly. I did nothing and sat home for 5 years. I hated myself. I hated my personality. I hated my life. I hated everything associated with me. I had this constant desire to see myself doing something big. Earning something big. Living in a big home etc.
The desire persuaded me to quit jobs. Forced me to switch careers. I ended up doing courses that were of no interest to me. The desire created endless problems. More problems meant more confusion. I couldn’t figure out what I really want to do in life. I lost interest & all the hope.
I Kept thinking and overthinking. I was stuck but time didn’t.
Life taught me valuable lessons the hard way.
I realized the importance of having goals in life. Accomplishing something big takes time. Small steps lead to bigger paths. Happiness is more important. Satisfaction is even more important.
It’s never too late in life. I want to start fresh again. The desire of doing something big still persists. It will never fade. But I have to take small steps to accomplish that something big. Or be content with whatever small I achieve.